Monday, June 16, 2014

Who is that fat lady living inside my body?

Here I am a 30 year old mother, wife, and teacher, yet until today I didn't realize how long it had been since I looked at myself in a full length mirror.

I knew I was gaining weight. I could feel my legs growing wider, and my butt getting bigger. I could see my tummy getting more flabby, but it's almost like I ignored it. Or as if I still saw myself as that teenage girl that weighted 116 pounds. I guess you could say I was wearing rose glasses.

Why not eat what I want? I work hard and I deserve it. I should not have to say no to that donut, or cake. I'm an adult so I can have that second helping of ice cream or skip lunch and have a muffin. Why not? I burn all of those calories chasing around 4 and 5 year old's all day anyway, so what's another slice of pizza? That's rational right? This is how I think daily. I spend time doing up my face with makeup, and making sure my eye brows are plucked, but I never stop to look at my torso. I make sure my clothes match and never pay attention to the every growing lady living in my body.

Today was a normal day. Went to work to be with the awesome kids I've grown to love at school. I ate the normal lunch provided, and came home to be with my own 2 daughters ages 7 and 4. Today we went outside to play with our new puppy before it got dark and my oldest daughter asked if she could take a picture of me and our puppy Falkor with my phone. I handed her my phone and I sat holding our 'not so small' Labrador Retriever pup. I didn't look at the picture until after I put them to bed, and when I did, I almost didn't recognize myself! It's not like I don't have any recent pictures, I do. Mostly selfies that are not bad, and defiantly don't look like the girl in the picture my daughter took! This woman had huge legs, and really big arms. Even her face looked swollen. Is that how I really look? Why would this be surprising to the person wearing the body?

Denial, is the answer. I have to be in denial. Now you are probably thinking, I'm depressed and unhappy and so I eat. That is untrue for me. I am very happy. I love my husband and have my dream job. I have all the things I wanted for myself when I look back. I eat because I want to. I eat because I love food, and I eat because WHY NOT? I am content with my life!

Well I am going to get personal, more personal than I've ever been even with myself. This is going to be my motivation to lose weight, to get healthy and to make a serious change!

I am going to post the most vulnerable and disgusting side of me that I've ever seen. However I need to look at it, I need to see what I've let myself become, and I need to reach a goal so I can post new photos of my success!

Tomorrow my life changes. I'll start with being conscience of everything I put in my mouth. My morning coffee will be switched to unsweet brewed tea, and the sweet pastries I love to eat with my morning coffee will now be an afterthought. I have got to make a change, I'm worth it!

This is not an easy thing for me, I cringe just thinking that I am about to show you the worst side of me! Here goes nothing.