Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Painful Realization

My baby is now 8 months old. It has gone by so quickly that I feel like I missed it! About 3 months ago, I started to feel different, more irritable, moody, angry, no energy, no excitement, and over all just not happy! This is hard to write, because it’s not something in the past, it’s something I am dealing with right now. Getting a bit personal here, I actually thought it was because I was falling out of love with my husband. Don’t get me wrong, we have a wonderful relationship, and really don’t fight, but I just did not feel that special something anymore when I was with him. I started to get upset at my 4 year old for the smallest things, like messing up her sister’s hair. Things that I would normally look over, would literally make me so mad, I would yell and scream and then start shaking. It started to scare me really badly. I would never hurt my kids, but it got to the point last week that I wanted to hurt myself. Again this is difficult to write, because I am a Godly person, and this makes me feel ashamed. I started thinking, “would anyone really care if I were gone?” I would never do anything like that, but the fact that is was crossing my mind was not only frightening to me but it also made me feel like I was alone screaming, and no one was listening. I began telling my husband, how I felt, and telling him we need to work on our marriage because of how I was feeling. He to my surprise was very supportive of the idea of seeing a therapist, so that made me feel a little better that he did not want to lose me. Then later I started telling him about how I was feeling, and how I get so angry, have no energy to do anything, and how just picking up toys makes me so tired. Then he went online and found out by my symptoms, that I was going through Post Partum Depression.
I went through it mildly with my 1st born, but it was nothing compared to how I am feeling now. That is why I did not think it was Post Partum. I have all the symptoms, and it’s frightening to think I could be going through depression when I have so much to be thankful for. It helps to know I am not going crazy, because at one point I was in tears balling my eyes out thinking I needed to be in a mental hospital.
My church has helped me so much, being involved like I am, and being with so many wonderful people takes my mind off the things that are bothering me, but once I get home and see my unorganized apartment, it makes me fall into this funk again. I guess this blog is more of what’s on my mind right now, because I have no solution yet. I am just dealing with it one step at a time. I just feel so bad that my children have to go through it with me. My 4 year old unfortunately has had it the worst, because she is the one who upsets me by just being a 4 year old, and getting into trouble. I hate to think this is how they will remember their Mommy, and the baby does not know any different. At least my 1st born has seen my happy, energetic self. The baby only knows this sad, lazy, Mommy who yells. It’s such a painful realization to even write this out, but it’s like my own therapy. Maybe by writing about it, it will help me to overcome it. Please just keep me in your prayers because I really need to overcome this depression, before it has a lasting effect on my kids, and my marriage.


Melissa said...


I love you dearly and will always be here for you. I too struggle with depression and have for years. That's part of why I isolate myself from people. So you come to me any time you need someone. It's hard to fight depression but luckily, it's possible.

Remember you live once. Take one day at a time slowly work on your apartment. Take your time and put on some relaxing music. Take time for yourself.

Love you,

Johnny Matos said...

Hang in there, baby. I know it's hard, but when you feel like there is no hope, like the world is weighing you down, like you are about to go insane, just look at your babies. They need you. YOU are their world. YOU are all they know. They love you U-N-C-O-N-D-I-T-I-O-N-A-L-L-Y, no matter what. Step outside of yourself and see how blessed you are. Life is tough, but there's always a positive aspect, lying just below the surface.
I love you.