Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Painful Realization

My baby is now 8 months old. It has gone by so quickly that I feel like I missed it! About 3 months ago, I started to feel different, more irritable, moody, angry, no energy, no excitement, and over all just not happy! This is hard to write, because it’s not something in the past, it’s something I am dealing with right now. Getting a bit personal here, I actually thought it was because I was falling out of love with my husband. Don’t get me wrong, we have a wonderful relationship, and really don’t fight, but I just did not feel that special something anymore when I was with him. I started to get upset at my 4 year old for the smallest things, like messing up her sister’s hair. Things that I would normally look over, would literally make me so mad, I would yell and scream and then start shaking. It started to scare me really badly. I would never hurt my kids, but it got to the point last week that I wanted to hurt myself. Again this is difficult to write, because I am a Godly person, and this makes me feel ashamed. I started thinking, “would anyone really care if I were gone?” I would never do anything like that, but the fact that is was crossing my mind was not only frightening to me but it also made me feel like I was alone screaming, and no one was listening. I began telling my husband, how I felt, and telling him we need to work on our marriage because of how I was feeling. He to my surprise was very supportive of the idea of seeing a therapist, so that made me feel a little better that he did not want to lose me. Then later I started telling him about how I was feeling, and how I get so angry, have no energy to do anything, and how just picking up toys makes me so tired. Then he went online and found out by my symptoms, that I was going through Post Partum Depression.
I went through it mildly with my 1st born, but it was nothing compared to how I am feeling now. That is why I did not think it was Post Partum. I have all the symptoms, and it’s frightening to think I could be going through depression when I have so much to be thankful for. It helps to know I am not going crazy, because at one point I was in tears balling my eyes out thinking I needed to be in a mental hospital.
My church has helped me so much, being involved like I am, and being with so many wonderful people takes my mind off the things that are bothering me, but once I get home and see my unorganized apartment, it makes me fall into this funk again. I guess this blog is more of what’s on my mind right now, because I have no solution yet. I am just dealing with it one step at a time. I just feel so bad that my children have to go through it with me. My 4 year old unfortunately has had it the worst, because she is the one who upsets me by just being a 4 year old, and getting into trouble. I hate to think this is how they will remember their Mommy, and the baby does not know any different. At least my 1st born has seen my happy, energetic self. The baby only knows this sad, lazy, Mommy who yells. It’s such a painful realization to even write this out, but it’s like my own therapy. Maybe by writing about it, it will help me to overcome it. Please just keep me in your prayers because I really need to overcome this depression, before it has a lasting effect on my kids, and my marriage.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

4 years old

Well, Today my "Pumpkin Butt" (Keira's nick name), is 4 years old. I don't know why this birthday is so much harder than her others. I always get emotional on her birthday but this year is different for some reason. She will be starting school next year, and I am going to begin getting her prepared now. For her birthday she got a Polly Pocket "because she loves those dolls", A Little Mermaid DS game, and this is the craziest one of all, she got a preschool learning disk for the PC. My husband actually made her an account on the computer last night, so she can watch her learning disk! What? Did I just say that?! What happened to my little bundle of joy who was just learning to walk, and talk, and clap?!

I have to admit, as much as I miss her being a baby, it is really nice to sit and have a conversation with her. She can tell me what she wants, and what is bothering her. I no longer have to guess when she is sick or hungry. She can go potty all by her self, so I no longer have to change her diapers. But, a part of me just wants her to stay little. Next year she will be 5, then 6 then 20!
Yikes I just freaked myself out again.

To my awesome daughter Keira, Happy 4th birthday. I love you so much. You are the best daughter I could have asked for, and you are the best big sister ever. You help me with Sasha so much. I just don't know what I would do without you my love!

You are the best thing that ever happened to me because you made me a Mommy!