Friday, June 10, 2011

Twenty seven years old!

Twenty seven years have come and gone.
I really thought I would have accomplished so much more by now. I feel blessed to have a wonderful husband , and two loving daughters, but still something is missing.
I want stability! I want my girls to see me as a success. I know 27 does not seem that old, but to me it feels like forever at this moment. My birthday passed like any other day with no special feelings. Yet today I feel as if something has changed. I want to be more! I want to live out my dreams. The dreams I’ve had since I was a child. The dreams God put on my heart, which got tossed aside as I got older. I want to be a published writer. I’ve always wanted to do that. I want to have a house, and not live in an apartment having to move every two years, because rent goes up so high. I want to give my girls a better life. I would love to have animals like I had growing up. Chickens,goats, rabbits and a pot belly pig! These are all the things that I miss so badly now as an adult. People come into this country with nothing, and start a business, make money and hire me to work for them! Now why can’t I do that? It frustrates me that I try so hard and get nowhere.
Twenty seven years and I feel as if I have missed something? Almost like I got left behind! I love my life, and everything God has given me, but why at this moment do I feel sad? Is it normal to feel like the days are fading together? Is it the lack of sleep from the baby who keeps me up? Whatever the cause, I give my dreams to you Lord. I am reopening that closed door to my childhood and taking the dreams I once had, and making them a reality. Not for money, but for pleasure. Happy Birthday to me~ With Many years to come!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Today you were crucified

Today you laid down your life for my sin
You took a beating over and over again
No one could ever know what you went through
You did it all so I could give my burdens to you
You stretched your arms on the cross
Knowing your death was not a loss
You gave us life with your last breath
So we could be here today sharing your death
Because of you I am born again
Now I can praise you and yell AMEN
In three days you were resurrected
It was more than anyone ever expected
You rose up from that grave
Walking right out of the cave
The angel’s stood at that place
Waiting to tell everyone face to face
Our savior has risen from the dead
To free us of the sin in our head
We celebrate Easter every year
But is the meaning really clear
If you’re not sure then ask him today
He will come into your heart right away
Forgiving you of the sins of yesterday
You will be born again to start a new day
Don’t let this Easter pass you by
Give Jesus your heart and let your spirit fly
Thank you Jesus for all you have done
You truly are the only begotten son.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Until the Bitter End "For Gen and Fred"

We are the perfect blend.
My love for you will never end.
Being without you is more than I can comprehend.
The day I called you, was a Godsend.
9 years have passed, and you are still my best friend.
I am yours till my time on earth ends.
You are the one that I depend.
When hard times transcend
You go beyond and make amend.
One look in your eyes, and I just have to bend.
You and I can start a love trend.
When others see us they know we can’t pretend.
To you, my heart I send.
I can’t imagine life without my friend.
From now to forever, I will love you until the bitter end.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Love Letter

There was a time when I was blinded. I did not know what way to turn.
I went through so many things. Things many would never dream of.
Time seemed to sit still. I could not get out of the hole I was in.
Then one day I found you. You were sitting on the back of that huge Gator.
It really made my problems seem so small. I fell for you at the zoo.
Your smile changed me that day. I knew I had to do more with my life.
Being with you was so easy. I never had to pretend to laugh.
You were always there for me. Your strong arms kept me safe.
I am so grateful to have you. I know we don’t always agree.
We both have our tempers. But I would not change it for anything.
I love you with all my heart. I am completely yours.
5 years have gone by so quickly. We are soul mates.
I am completely yours.
Here is my love letter to you!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A Mommies complaint

Clothes are everywhere.
I can’t seem to get things done.
I took it for granted when there was only one.
Now things are crazy.
Toys are here and there.
Everywhere I look, I see teddy bears.
Doing one task takes all day.
Dishes are piled high
The only question in my mind is why oh why?
When will things come together?
I can’t seem to get my groove.
All the other moms seem to do things so smooth.
Does it come with time?
Does it come with age?
When will I get to turn to another page?
I can’t seem to figure it out
No motivation to pick up the broom
Why can’t I just want to clean the room?
Always getting interrupted
I have to start and stop
The phone is ringing, now I have to put down the mop.
It’s a never ended story
Lunch, dinner, potty time, with very little glory
My hair is a mess
I need to get some sleep
But I must get the broom and start to sweep
Another day, with nothing done
As the cycle starts anew
Got to end this poem for now, need to clean up some more pooh!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Singing Child "Special request from Rhonda Inman"

Singing child
Singing child
You always make me smile
Each time I hear your voice
I can’t help but rejoice
The notes are all in order
Like listening to a recorder
Bringing me so much cheer
Each time that she is near
I hate to hear it end
So I ask her to start again
Singing child
Singing child
You always make me smile!

A journey to adulthood

I long for my childhood
It happens when you grow
It’s hard to find yourself
When a child inside is all you know
How do we distinguish
A being so dignified
As becoming an adult
You have to be so signified
It’s hard to make the connection
Am I doing things alright
These questions fill my head
So I just have to write
All my thought and emotions
Go into the words I say
This is me trying to decide
How I will be one day
When you are young
Things are just so simply
The only thing we worry about
Is how to pop that pimple?
Now that I’m an adult
I get so caught up in life
Not noticing the little things
Just being a mother and a wife
So here I am to say
I have no idea how to be grown
But I try a little more each day
And it’s the greatest feeling I’ve even known!
Written by: Sheena Diane "Feb 07, 2011"~

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Here to stay "Poem"

Here I am today
Not knowing what to say
Feeling like a stray
Not knowing the right way
Watching night fade to day
Wondering if I should stay
Come what may
Will never betray
For I will find my say
It’s me that I portray
Will not feel lost another day
Here I am, and here I will stay!

Friday, February 4, 2011

My Ember

Awake again
Baby crying
No denying
Need Sleep
Want to weep
Pick her up
Like a pup
She smiles bright
With such delight
The mood changes
Joy rearranges
Making me remember
She is my Ember
Glowing hot with love
Sent from God Above!
Written by: Sheena Diane (Feb 04 2011)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Serenity Lost!

My head is pounding.
The pain is astounding.
I can’t seem to function.
What is my malfunction?
I need serenity
instead of anxiety.
I want to lie in bed
but inside I feel dead.
It’s like I’m not here.
At any moment I could disappear.
Nothing seems to be right.
I can’t even sleep through the night.
Stress is over powering me.
When will the clouds clear so I can see?
Being pulled so many ways.
It’s like I’m in a maze.
Never finding the right path.
Sending me on the warpath.
I feel so upside down.
All I can do is frown.
It just hurts so much,
to not want to feel your touch.
Nothing seems to matter.
In my head it’s only clatter.
I want it to go away
so I can be me again today!
Written by: Sheena Diane (Feb 03 2011)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Painful Realization

My baby is now 8 months old. It has gone by so quickly that I feel like I missed it! About 3 months ago, I started to feel different, more irritable, moody, angry, no energy, no excitement, and over all just not happy! This is hard to write, because it’s not something in the past, it’s something I am dealing with right now. Getting a bit personal here, I actually thought it was because I was falling out of love with my husband. Don’t get me wrong, we have a wonderful relationship, and really don’t fight, but I just did not feel that special something anymore when I was with him. I started to get upset at my 4 year old for the smallest things, like messing up her sister’s hair. Things that I would normally look over, would literally make me so mad, I would yell and scream and then start shaking. It started to scare me really badly. I would never hurt my kids, but it got to the point last week that I wanted to hurt myself. Again this is difficult to write, because I am a Godly person, and this makes me feel ashamed. I started thinking, “would anyone really care if I were gone?” I would never do anything like that, but the fact that is was crossing my mind was not only frightening to me but it also made me feel like I was alone screaming, and no one was listening. I began telling my husband, how I felt, and telling him we need to work on our marriage because of how I was feeling. He to my surprise was very supportive of the idea of seeing a therapist, so that made me feel a little better that he did not want to lose me. Then later I started telling him about how I was feeling, and how I get so angry, have no energy to do anything, and how just picking up toys makes me so tired. Then he went online and found out by my symptoms, that I was going through Post Partum Depression.
I went through it mildly with my 1st born, but it was nothing compared to how I am feeling now. That is why I did not think it was Post Partum. I have all the symptoms, and it’s frightening to think I could be going through depression when I have so much to be thankful for. It helps to know I am not going crazy, because at one point I was in tears balling my eyes out thinking I needed to be in a mental hospital.
My church has helped me so much, being involved like I am, and being with so many wonderful people takes my mind off the things that are bothering me, but once I get home and see my unorganized apartment, it makes me fall into this funk again. I guess this blog is more of what’s on my mind right now, because I have no solution yet. I am just dealing with it one step at a time. I just feel so bad that my children have to go through it with me. My 4 year old unfortunately has had it the worst, because she is the one who upsets me by just being a 4 year old, and getting into trouble. I hate to think this is how they will remember their Mommy, and the baby does not know any different. At least my 1st born has seen my happy, energetic self. The baby only knows this sad, lazy, Mommy who yells. It’s such a painful realization to even write this out, but it’s like my own therapy. Maybe by writing about it, it will help me to overcome it. Please just keep me in your prayers because I really need to overcome this depression, before it has a lasting effect on my kids, and my marriage.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

4 years old

Well, Today my "Pumpkin Butt" (Keira's nick name), is 4 years old. I don't know why this birthday is so much harder than her others. I always get emotional on her birthday but this year is different for some reason. She will be starting school next year, and I am going to begin getting her prepared now. For her birthday she got a Polly Pocket "because she loves those dolls", A Little Mermaid DS game, and this is the craziest one of all, she got a preschool learning disk for the PC. My husband actually made her an account on the computer last night, so she can watch her learning disk! What? Did I just say that?! What happened to my little bundle of joy who was just learning to walk, and talk, and clap?!

I have to admit, as much as I miss her being a baby, it is really nice to sit and have a conversation with her. She can tell me what she wants, and what is bothering her. I no longer have to guess when she is sick or hungry. She can go potty all by her self, so I no longer have to change her diapers. But, a part of me just wants her to stay little. Next year she will be 5, then 6 then 20!
Yikes I just freaked myself out again.

To my awesome daughter Keira, Happy 4th birthday. I love you so much. You are the best daughter I could have asked for, and you are the best big sister ever. You help me with Sasha so much. I just don't know what I would do without you my love!

You are the best thing that ever happened to me because you made me a Mommy!